Depression
The term depression was derived from the Latin verb deprimere, "to press down"
To DEpress is the opposite to EXpress and DEpression the opposite of EXpression. It has also been described as like a ‘flattened affect’ where everything becomes flat and the experience of life can be lost. Motivation lost, energy lost, hunger lost, hope lost, tears lost and more. In this sense of the word the issue is very much rooted in our emotions, feelings and instincts.
Nowadays depression is often described in terms of mental health and it being like a mental state with physical symptoms. Almost as if the physical symptoms are the result of the mental state. Maybe we can think ourselves out of DEpression or But when we look at DEpression as the opposite to EXpression we see it more as a verb or a process. Not something that we have, but something that happens to us and something that happens for very good reason.
Attachment
So here DEpression refers to pushing down. What could be that reason. If we now switch to attachment. Attachment is our preeminent need growing up. Attachment ensures survival. It's natures way of ensuring our potential which without these instincts to attach we would be lost. Attachment is not just something we experience in our early years, these attachment instincts/dynamics are with us throughout our life. Just notice the next time you are alone somewhere in a completely new environment and you might notice that urge to move towards someone and that sense of relief once you have started a relationship.
Our emotions serve our attachments. When we cry as babies our caregiver move towards us. When we experience frustration that something isn’t working our caregivers come towards us. We laugh and smile together. When we are anxious our caregivers are moved to find out what could be wrong.
And as emotions need to move. In fact, ‘e’ in latin is ‘to’ and ‘motion’ is to move, so the word quite literally means to move. And emotions will seek expression. It’s like they want to come out of us.
What Happens When They Meet
But what if expression gets in the way of proximity. What if our caregivers have no space for sadness or have children who shouldn’t feel scared. What if it’s our children behaviour that we want to see so desperately and emotion gets in the way of it. We want children sitting down at the table, we want good manners, we want children getting along. What if we want to see these behaviours so much in our children that we dismiss the emotions that we see.
The ‘cry it out’ method was and still is a popular method for getting children to sleep in their own bed from an early age. This demonstrates the dynamic perfectly. The tears dry up fairly quickly and the behaviour that we desire comes. It all looks good on the surface because we are focused on behaviour. We generally use a ‘calm down’ approach to emotions and it’s still the same method. We don’t want to see emotion, we want to see calm behaviour. Phrases like ‘I’ll talk to you once you have calmed down’ mean I want to see you without emotion. These are very common to hear in our realtionships with our children.
My curiosity here is that we are actually facilitating DEpression in this way. We are teaching it almost and leading our children towards DEpression. Emotional health and balance are best when there is movement. One of the best ways to think about it is like balancing on a moving bike. It’s the movement that helps the balance and it is the same with emotion. My invitation to you is to invite this expression of emotion in safe places where you can be sure it will have no effect on your relationship.
If you want to find out more about my work with children, families, compassionate Inquiry or The Caring Instinct then go to my website www.joeatkinson.co.uk or get in touch with me mail@joeatkinson.co.uk