I’ve not found as much time to keep up with blogs recently because, you know, life gets in the way sometimes. But here are some of the things that I have been finding interesting:
I’m worried that we really have made quite a major wrong turn with how we care for our children in our society and one of the things that alarms me a lot is the move towards self-care.
On the Young Minds website self care is described in child friendly terms as:
In its simplest form, self-care is just the little things we do to look after our own mental health. It’s about trying to listen to how we are feeling and understanding what we need, even if it’s difficult, so we can care for ourselves.
Notice a few things about this statement.
The focus is on the desired behaviours. It’s a bubble bath, a yoga class, a jog, reading a book etc.
The responsibility is on the individual. We are listening to our own feelings, we are understanding our own needs and we are caring for ourselves.
Why is this alarming for me? There is no mention of relationship and with this we are not heading towards a place where we can experience being looked after. We are all pretty much aware of the mental health crisis that is experienced by so many of the lives of our young and self-care has become a growing answer to this crisis.
The underlying message is that the child can take and maybe should take responsibility for his own feelings/enotions/needs and if they are struggling too then they can learn through teaching methods or sharing activities ways to take responsibility for their own feelings/emotions/need
Without this focus on relationship it has the potential to miss out on some of the gold. Contrast this approach with a parent who shows up with all the confidence in the world that they know the best way to care for their own children and lead them through the messiness that comes with being a human being with feelings/emotions/needs. The invitation for the child here is that they don’t need to work or do self-care. They can experience these very natural human qualities within the comfort of a loving bond with a care-giver.
I wonder if this is the same dynamic that plays out in schools where we really just want children to get to be able to get to the test at the end of the year remembering what they have been taught. Proof that they have learnt something and are smart. It makes sense rationally, but it misses out squashes so many important dynamics of learning like for instance ‘curiosity’. Curiosity itself is like attention at play but there is very restricted space for play in school and attention is needed and valuable to get the grades at the end of the year so it very easily gets surpressed. Then because we can’t see it we think that we can teach it or command curiosity. We get lost. And the child that can hold on to their curiosity and nurture or recover it will see how learning comes naturally.
Instead of self-care my hunch is to go towards realtionship and play. Play is natures answer to self-care that does not come packaged in exercises that need to be taught. With play feelings/emotions/needs can be experienced in a safe space. Play leans into relationships and our attachments. In play you have the potential for all the elements of that relaxation of the bubble bath, the stretching and movement of a yoga session, the physical exertion of a run and the space for our attention to take us towards books.
What do you think about Self-care?
If you want to find out my work with parents and families or as a Compassionate Inquiry Practioner and therapist then please get in touch at mail@joeatkinson.co.uk